"I'll Give You a Sticker"

Last week, Landon (my five-year-old) helped Reagan (my two-year-old) clean her room. Then he tucked her in bed, gave her a kiss, and told her to have a great nap.

Very sweet, isn't it?

Now, what if I told you that before that happened, I said to Landon, "Hey, buddy, I'll give you a sticker if you'll help Reagan clean her room and put her down for a nap."

How does that change what you think of Landon? How does it change what you think of me?

(That didn't happen, by the way. Landon chose to help his sister clean her room, tuck her in bed, and kiss her all on his own. Because he loves her.)

But, if I had bribed Landon it would have changed everything:

1. It would have negated any good intentions he may have had.

2. It would have sent him the message that I don't believe he is capable of doing something kind for his sister without being bribed.

3. It would have immediately lowered my expectations for him.

4. It would have instantly lowered his innate love for his sister, and instead, raised his expectation for extrinsic rewards.

5. It would have cost me money. Because stuff costs money.

I was recently asked by a friend to be thinking about ways I wish the education system would change. Of about 5 big things on my list, bribing kids is one of them.

Teachers don't like to call it "bribing". Parents don't like to call it "bribing". They like to call it rewards, or positive reinforcements, or "caught being good" or a treasure chest. Call it what you want. It's a bribe. And it teaches kids to seek others for approval, to expect to be rewarded when they do what they should do to begin with, and to care more for their own interests than the interests of others.

I think we're all guilty (myself included!!!) of bribing kids. For me, it happens at home with I'm in a huge hurry and don't take time to think about (and follow through) on the vision for my children's development. For example, two days ago I was running late and was looking for a pair of shoes that I really needed to find for a friend. So, in my hurried state I said, "Kids, if you can find those white shoes I'll give you a piece of candy." Sure, the kids found the shoes. In about 30 seconds. But it taught them not one thing about caring for others. It taught them not one thing about hard work or perseverance when you lose something. It immediately placed the focus on them.

We should expect more from kids. Contrary to what many adults believe, kids are capable of caring for others just because they do. Not because they'll get something for it. They're capable of reading for enjoyment. Not because they might get a trophy. They're capable of cleaning up after themselves. Not because they might get a coin that can be traded in for a toy at the end of the week.

It takes a lot of work in a classroom setting. It takes building deep relationships with kids. It takes a lot of talk. It takes building a strong sense of community. It takes patience. It takes modeling selflessness. And it's hard!

But the cost is much greater if we continue to bribe kids.

"Educators ought to know by now, in light of research and experience, that rewards are not merely ineffective over the long haul but actually counterproductive. One study after another has demonstrated that the more someone is rewarded for doing something (or for doing it well), the less interest that person is likely to have in whatever he or she was rewarded for doing." - Alfie Kohn, author of What to Look for in a Classroom"