Public Service Announcement

In 2010, I pretended I was a 90-year-old. I got kidney stones and a gallbladder removed and I got assigned to a urologist. Pretty sure only 90-year-olds do that. At least those were the only people in the doctor's office every single time I was there.

Apparently, 2011 is the year for me to pretend to be a 13-year-old. Because I got 2 retainers yesterday and got a "talking to" from the orthodontist about how to take care of my retainers by doing things like not boiling them and not leaving them near dogs. I'm for real. He said, "Do not leave your retainers near dogs." I was like, "Dude, I'm 31 years old. I've got 3 kids. I have a bunch of degrees and stuff. I think I can handle not leaving my retainers near dogs." And he was like, "No, you're a 13-year-old. Because you just got retainers. 13-year-olds get retainers." And I was like, "Touche." And he was like, "Wait. 13-year-olds don't use words like 'touche'. They use words like 'sweet'." So then I was like, "Sweet."

So, here's my PSA to all the teenage followers of my blog:

When you get your braces and then you get them removed two years later, don't get all prideful. Wear your retainers. Because if you don't, you'll eventually turn 31 and your teeth will be out of whack and you'll have to go back to the orthodontist and get retainers. And it will hurt. And you will talk funny. And people will look at you weird. And you'll get tons of saliva in your mouth all the time. And people will think you're 13.